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How to shoot yourself in the foot: A guide to programming languages

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and
shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance
is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which
are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run
out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out
of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways
because you have no exception-handling capability.

Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently
load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot.
When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot
is of the wrong type.

Cobol: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT,
THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER
and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER.
CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.

Lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds
the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which
holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage
which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the
appendage which holds...

Forth: Foot in yourself shoot.

Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot.
The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit
it to explain it to you.

Basic: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large
systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the
foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.

HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you.
Answer the result.

Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory
handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the
trigger, the gun jams.

APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out
how to do it in fewer characters.

Snobol: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail,
shoot yourself in the right foot.

Unix:

     % ls
     
     foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
     
     % rm * .o
     
     rm:.o no such file or directory
     
     % ls
     
     %

(If you can't see the Unix problem, look for an extra space.)

Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page
document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three
years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users
can, too.

Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in
all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.

Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself
in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little
bullet-thingies are for.

Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover
you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.

Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish
anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
Categories for this item: Computers, Programming

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