netjeff.com Humor collection Breaking Sesame Street News!

  AP Online
  AP 11/17 2:55 EDT V055
  Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
  NEW YORK
  NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street, has
 apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead; including
 Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time friend, room- mate, and
 occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly holding Maria hostage
  in a five floor tenement near Hooper's Store. New York City Police SWAT teams
 have surrounded the building.

  AP Online
  AP 11/17 4:26 EDT V743
  Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
  NEW YORK
  NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at this
 hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York City Police.
 Kermit-The-Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as police
 stormed the five story tenament building where the bird was holding Maria
 hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a Kamikaze-like
 attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail of automatic
  weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird.
 There is no information available concerning Maria.

  AP Online
  AP 11/17 8:47 EDT V246
  Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
  NEW YORK
  NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemists,
 have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird was killed by
 Police early this morning after the bird went on a killing spree on Sesame
 Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, has survived unharmed.  Three
 muppets were killed by the bird: Prarie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet
 girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet)
  and Bert (the famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend).
  Authorities in the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local
 Hooper's.

  AP Online
  AP 11/17 11:15 EDT V543
  Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
  NEW YORK
  NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away from
 Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets. Many
 reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the police
 handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the scene at the
 time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk Big Bird
 down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly results.  Ernie is
  said to be despondent at the loss of his good buddy Bert.

  AP Online
  AP 11/17 17:25 EDT V927
  Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
  NEW YORK
  NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five o'clock this
 afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing tour of the
 scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets became enraged. Hundreds of
 muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and surrounded humans in their
 cars. In at least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist from his car and
 beat him with large, styrofome letters. Police again arrived on the scene in
 force. At this hour, quiet is restored -- but tensions are very high.

  AP Online
  AP 11/18 0:47 EDT V211
  Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
  NEW YORK
  NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Sesame Street.
 Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets
 ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting Hooper's
 Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Orange and blue firelight is
 rising over many buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and storehouses full
 of numbers and letters are burning to the ground.  Muppets are taunting
 firemen and police from windows high above the street with counting and
 alphabet songs.

  AP Online
  AP 11/18 9:24 EDT V482
  Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
  NEW YORK
  NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame Street
 after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On the street,
 lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testiment of the night of wild outrage.
 Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by Police in full
 riot gear. Here and there, a muppet--still animated with life--can be seen
 staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count was
 reported running down the street crying and yelling, :"Ten, Ten Lifeless
 Muppet Bodies!" No humans were killed in the rioting, although several people
 reported rug-burns.

  AP Online
  AP 11/19 15:35 EDT V335
  Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
  NEW YORK
  NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet Bert,
 broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass muppet
 funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his address:

  I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by millions
 thoughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His paper-clip
  collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's leaders. Just a few
 years ago, as President Clinton campaigned on Sesame Street for the muppet
 vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to for advice. It was Bert who told us
 all, "anyone who can hang as many paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can
 certainly run the country."

  I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving creature.
  His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met him, but it was
 his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love him. Bird
  wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to memorialize him, with
 violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures to "just get along" with
 each other. Big Bird has come to a bad end, friends, but is wasn't his fault.
 It was just some bad seed.

netjeff.com Humor collection Breaking Sesame Street News!