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If you're like me (and I know you are), you probably date quite a
bit, and also like me, you find blowing off a chick the most difficult 
part of the dating process. After a second or perhaps third date that we
know didn't go at all well, the closest we ever come to telling a
chick it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll
call you next week." Of course, we have no intention of calling her and 
we may even feel a slight twinge of guilt.

But I have discovered a great way to blow a chick off. It's safe.
It's affordable, and the best thing is the chick has no opportunity to
throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now.

     E-mail.

     That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks
they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have
told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard.

And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could 
be more painless?

I have drafted the enclosed Email rejection letter and invite you to
use it the next time you need to put your main squeeze on waivers.

The text of the letter follows. Hope it comes in handy.

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Dear (her name),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are
probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and
dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to
make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an
opening come available or I become extremely horny.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified
from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another
band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.

___ The fact that you attended the University of Miami and/or root 
for the Miami Hurricanes demonstrated that you do not meet my
intelligence requirements.

___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to
pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of
basic economics.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly 
by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly overqualified for
this position.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.

___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the
inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

___ My breasts are bigger than yours.

___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please
resubmit your application.

___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when
it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the
alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are
far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to
heterosexuality.

___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your
ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic
abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you
seriously.

___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount
importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team
into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be "just
like" your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

___ As a practice I do not normally discriminate against single
mothers, and although I understand the youngster was named for her
father, I do not think "Sturgis, South Dakota" is an appropriate name
for a little girl.

___ Your revelation that you, a 30-year-old, had dated your previous
boyfriend, an alcoholic, for 16 years raised some serious questions
about your mental state.

___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.


Sincerely,

Your Name (Optional)

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