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Martha Stewart's 1997 Calendar
And you thought you had important things to do! Take a peek
at the first few weeks of Martha Stewart's 1997 calendar:
Jan 1: Catch up on gardening - sew leaves back onto trees.
Do all cooking for 1997.
Jan 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
Jan 4: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider,
orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Jan 5: Lay Faberge egg.
Jan 6: Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's
shoe inserts into heat pump.
Jan 7: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make
excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie
Jan 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and
Jan 9: Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make
ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of
all the people you do not know.
Jan 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
Jan 11: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Jan 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders.
Take verbatim notes.
Jan 13: Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly
relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment
Jan 14: Replace air in minivan tires with Glad air
freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall.
Jan 15: MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Jan 16: Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself.
Jan 17: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine
cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
Jan 18: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha
Jan 19: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed
vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
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