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Martha Stewart's 1997 Calendar

And you thought you had important things to do!  Take a peek 
at the first few weeks of Martha Stewart's 1997 calendar:

Jan 1:  Catch up on gardening - sew leaves back onto trees.  
Do all cooking for 1997.
Jan 2:  Take dog apart.  Disinfect.  Reassemble.
Jan 3:  Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
Jan 4:  Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, 
orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Jan 5:  Lay Faberge egg.
Jan 6:  Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's 
shoe inserts into heat pump.
Jan 7:  Visit crematorium.  Collect dentures.  They make 
excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie 

Jan 8:  Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and 

Jan 9:  Receive delivery of new phone books.  Old ones make 
ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of 
all the people you do not know.

Jan 10:  Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.

Jan 11:  Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

Jan 12:  Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders.  
Take verbatim notes.

Jan 13:  Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly 
relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment 
death occurs.
Jan 14:  Replace air in minivan tires with Glad air 
freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall.

Jan 15:  MLK birthday.  Find out who MLK is.

Jan 16:  Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself.

Jan 17:  Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine 
cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails.  Flog gardener.

Jan 18:  Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha 

Jan 19:  Update enemies list.  Place in hermetically sealed 
vault.  Remove air, replace with nitrogen.

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