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How To Install Software - A 12-Step Program

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed
box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run
the software.

It should look something like this:
              2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
              628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
              719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
              3546 MB RAM
              432323 MB ROM
              05948737 MB RPM
              2 TURTLE DOVES
 NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of
either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a
sealed envelope that says:

                    LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by
all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that
nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N.
Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent
Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions,
real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary
and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home
and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until
death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early
light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a
great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name
of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in
the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
which the following message should appear on your screen: The
Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:

                   +-------+ +--------+
                   |  YES  | |  SURE  |
                   +-------+ +--------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and
whirring for a very long time while the installation program does
who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually
alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your
computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such
as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program
will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub- sub-
directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of
mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message: CONGRATULATIONS The installation
program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and
has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.

If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites,
you should immediately


11. At this point your computer system should become less
functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even
when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on
the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will
explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a
child aged 3 through 12.
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