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FAA stories

Date Unknown -- Do you take Visa?

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between
aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two
thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars worth!"

15 November 1996 -- What the...?!

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the
tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem,
so go ahead and let PSA go first". The tower promptly cleared PSA for
takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation!

8 November 1996 --  Which Exit Did You Say That Was?

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his
approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751
heavy, turn right at the end if able.  If not able, take the Guadalupe
exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."

1 November 1996 -- Ouch!

Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was
"GIB,"which stood for, "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial
and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western.  It seems
that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had
made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.
11 October 1996 --  What Is That Thang?

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one
o'clock and three miles." 

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): 
"Well......I've got something down there.  Can't quite tell if it's a
Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

13 September 1996 -- Mama Didn't Raise No Fools!

Unknown Aircraft (somewhat cleaned up for the faint-of-heart): "I'm
f-king bored!".

Air Traffic Control: Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f-king bored, not f-king stupid!"

6 September 1996 -- Mmmm, Mmmm, Good!

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to the way, as
we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff...and yes, we
copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

28 June 1996 --  No, That's Not What I Said!

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock,
3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that
Fokker in sight."
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