netjeff.com Humor collection House to Downsize Solar System

A Press Release
Bob Haberle reporting.

WASHINGTON D.C. The House Appropriations subcommittee on NASA
oversight, in another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a
resolution today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed
congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been "too much
redundancy in the solar system" and that streamlining the 4.5 billion
year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would give NASA
fewer places to go and this would allow the agency to carry out its space
exploration goals within the funding profile that the House proposed
earlier this summer.

"Look, we have three terrestrial planets" said Congressman Rip U. Apart
(R, Del.), "and only one of them really works! So why not get rid of the
other two and clean up the neighborhood?" Most subcommittee  members felt
that while downsizing was definitely in the cards,  eliminating both Mars
and Venus was going too far. "We have too many  international
commitments to Mars." said Rush N. Hater (R, Calif.). "So I think we
should keep Mars and dump Venus. Its too hot to live on, and liberal
Democrats keep using it as  an example of what global warming can do. So
from a political and  practical point of view, Venus has got to go."

Also at risk is the planet Mercury which lacks support because of its
small size and poor visibility from Earth. "Who needs it?" asked
Congressman Newt Onian (R, N.C.). "Have you ever seen it? I haven't. So
what good is  it? We just don't need useless planets. And speaking of
useless  planets, what about the asteroids? If you've seen one, you've
seen  them all. So I say we ought to get rid of the little boogers once
and for all."

However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the
terrestrial planets. The resolution also calls for a reduction in the
number of gas giants which contain most of the planetary mass in  the
solar system. Most subcommittee members favor retaining  Jupiter and
Saturn, and eliminating Uranus and Neptune. "Jupiter  employs the most
molecules, and Saturn has those pretty little rings everyone likes." said
Rep. Con Mann (R, Fla.). "On the other hand, Uranus is a bore  and its
rings are dirty. And Neptune, for God's sake, is just too far  away. So
begone with those ugly bruisers."

But the influential Wright I.M. Fornow from South Carolina has publicly
announced he will fight to eliminate Saturn. Fornow is especially miffed
by NASA's success thus  far in keeping Cassini, the next mission to
Saturn, alive which he feels is waste of taxpayers money. "If there ain't
no Saturn, then there ain't no Cassini" he  exclaimed. The congressman
also expressed concern about sending back-to-back spacecraft bearing
Italian surnames to the outer planets (The Galileo spacecraft arrives at
Jupiter this December).

The subcommittee was unanimous in its views towards Pluto which they
deemed a moral misfit. "Now here's a planet we can definitely do
without." continued Fornow. "A few years ago, it was farthest from the
sun. Now its not. Its just too confusing. And now they tell me its really
two planets instead of one. What the hell is going on here?"

The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it is
expected to pass easily since only a minority of Representatives have
constituents on the affected planets. NASA Administrator Golden has
vowed to resist any further reductions to the solar system, saying that
"NASA has expended considerable effort to make the planets cheaper,
faster, and better. Much of this work would be wasted if the solar system
were downsized" stated Golden.

Critics say, however, that reducing the number of planets will not
produce the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they note, would
have to be revised to reflect the new arrangement, and facilities would
need to be constructed to remove the planets themselves. The resolution
is also likely to draw strong opposition from religious fundamentalists
who have long opposed the elimination of any of the biblical planets.
Thus, the matter is far from resolved.

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From: "Syed Towheed, Hughes STX" (towheed(at)nssdca.gsfc.nasa.gov)

netjeff.com Humor collection House to Downsize Solar System