netjeff.com Humor collection The national address President Clinton should have given

"Members of Congress...people of America....  I banged her. I
banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks,
because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin-
flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying
attention. The only babes in D.C.  I haven't tried to do
are The First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly
because they're a Little older than I like and they have
legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If
not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be
Pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and
she'd be married to The President.
 
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid
FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up
a new Chinese wing in the White House, fired the travel
staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom
like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered
the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
 
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who
didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected
me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.
Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and
part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport."
There was Reagan, who left the office with the same
Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him
who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the
whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon
before that coined, but never really understood, the
concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a
one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of
governing.  Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal
whose major contribution to American society was Agent
Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself,
didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that
curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at
least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which
brings me back to my point.
 
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White
House government is doing more for less. The budget is
balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute
to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about,
evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can
get a job as a night- watchman. The stock market is higher
than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone
with a degree from a junior college who can spell
'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual
maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her
next meal is coming from. Bottom line:  I'm running a
country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.
 
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your
daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin
ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.  In the meantime,
think about where you are today and what kind of life
you're living before you get too interested in where I'm
parking the Presidential limousine.
 
Thank you, good night and God bless America.  (Fade out
with "Hail to the Chief" playing in the background)

netjeff.com Humor collection The national address President Clinton should have given