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Justice Department Prepared to Break Up Bill Gates
Written by Cluke
on Fri 14 Jan 11:11:57 2000 PST
posted at http://segfault.org/story.phtml?id=387f74a7-05a49480
It was revealed today that the Justice Department's strategy to remove
Microsoft's monopolistic influence in the PC market would be to order
the break-up of Bill Gates. The move has been broadly welcomed in
the industry, though some pundits have said that it is too harsh a
Said Denise Richards, of the consumer group SLLAB, "We were all
for some positive action, but I think that such an extreme action is
unwarranted. It's going to be a very messy breakup."
Exact details of the plan are sketchy, but some have emerged. Gates'
left arm will be sawn off at the elbow, and taken to South America,
probably Argentina, were it will be responsible for running Microsoft's CD
pressing facility there. Jack Steeler, of the DoJ: "The arm will be
attached to a special machine, and will pump up and down to press labels
onto the CDs. Our injunctions mean that it will be pretty darn hard for
that arm to branch out into any related markets. Essentially, we have
reduced this part of Bill Gates to a very specific area of the
Gates' right arm will be severed at the shoulder, and will be sent round
US schools, where children can have the opportunity of shaking the hand.
Steeler, again - "Despite his illegal practices, we're not claiming he is
anything but a greatly gifted entreprenuer businessman. It will be a great
inspiration for children to meet this great disembodiment of the American
Controversially, Gates' legs are being kept together as a pair. In
keeping with his philanthrophic image, they will be allowed to take part
in various marathons and fun runs, where they will raise many tens of
dollars for charity. Steeler is aware of the dangers of having such a
large piece of the body intact, and assures the public that on the first
sign of any underhand marketing practices by the legs, they will be
forcibly ripped akimbo.
The torso will remain as 'Chief Software Architect' and Chairman of
Microsoft, and will reside in a trophy cabinet on the wall of Microsoft
CEO Steve Ballmer. Ballmer will honour the fragment by buffing it
vigourously every morning, and a team of analysts will carefully study
Gates' entrails for signs of the direction Microsoft should take in the
future. "I really don't think that the torso alone will be able to evise
and mount a cohesive anti-competitive strategy, do you?" Steeler said,
with a just touch of smugness.
Gates' head will be sealed into a lead box and buried in the Arctic