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Win 95 Book of Revelations
And LO! The Lord of the OS did come down among His sheep and He did sayeth,
Thou Shalt Pay Bill Gates, and he will deleverith unto you my product.
I am Win95, your GUI. Thou shalt not have false GUI's on machines before me.
And the Lord said, "16 bit applications are evil! I am sorry I ever created
them. I shall destroy them all and start over. Thou shalt all buy new
And the prophet Intel came forward and said, "But Lord, what about backwards
compatability? What about the tribes of 8086 and 80286 and 80386?" And Lo!
the Lord became angry and said, "Compatability is irrelevant. You will be
And the consumers gathered around Bill Gates and the tower of Microsoft, and
they asked, "Prophet, how much must we spend on salvation? Seven times our
And Bill Gates turned to the crowd and he said unto them, "Nay, consumers,
you must not spend seven times your investment, but rather seventy times
seven times your investment. Only then shall you be saved."
And the consumers did as they were told. But the product did not work, and
they grew angry, and they cried out to the Lord, "Lord, we have done as you
asked, but the product does not work! Our machines, they run slow! Our
applications, they do not run."
And the Lord said unto them, "I tell you this, it is easier for Alice Cooper
to enter the gates of heaven than for a Pentium to run Windows95."
And as the masses came forward, I saw inscribed upon their heads W95, the
Number of the Bill.
And the Prophet Bill, for that is who it must have been, he raised his right
hand, and broke the first seal, saying, "Behold, the seal of Microsoft. By
the breaking of this seal you are bound unto whatever the contract within
And as the seal was broken, all the great empires around the world were set
upon with famine and floods and swarms of bugs like never seen before and
great anguish befell them all.
And lo, the Prophet Bill held up the scroll and said, "Behold, the second
seal! I shall not break it today, but rather I shalt break it soon, like
perhaps next week, or maybe the week thereafter. Thou shalt wait
expectantly for its breaking, shalt not produce any other work until that
time shall come."