Ad: netjeff recommends
rShopping
app for Android, for your shopping list needs.
|
Twelve Letters of Christmas
|
**********
Miss Aberdeen McHolstein,
69 Cash Avenue,
Beaver Valley.
Colorado.
December 13th 1994.
Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear
tree.
What a thoroughly delightful gift!
I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest affection.
Aberdeen. xx.
**********
Miss Aberdeen McHolstein,
69 Cash Avenue,
Beaver Valley.
Colorado.
December 14th 1994.
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle
Doves!I'm delighted at your thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable. You big silly, what next?
All my love,
Aberdeen. xxx.
**********
Miss Aberdeen McHolstein,
69 Cash Avenue,
Beaver Valley.
Colorado.
December 15th 1994.
Dear John,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one!
Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French
Hens.
They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Aberdeen. xx
*************************
Miss Aberdeen McHolstein,
69 Cash Avenue,
Beaver Valley.
Colorado.
December 16th 1994.
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds.
Now, really, they're beautiful but don't you think enough is enough?
You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Aberdeen.
*************
Miss Aberdeen McHolstein,
69 Cash Avenue,
Beaver Valley.
Colorado.
December 17th 1994.
Dearest John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings; one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Aberdeen. xx.
***********
Miss Aberdeen McHolstein,
69 Cash Avenue,
Beaver Valley.
Colorado.
December 18th 1994.
Dear John,
When I opened the door there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front
steps.
So you're back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?
The neighbours are complaining, and I can't sleep because of the racket!
Please stop,
Cordially,
Aberdeen.
***********************
Miss Aberdeen McHolstein,
69 Cash Avenue,
Beaver Valley.
Colorado.
December 19th 1994.
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds??
Seven Swans-A-Swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this??
There is bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the
racket.
I can't sleep at night, and I am a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so stop
with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Aberdeen.
*********
Miss Aberdeen McHolstein,
69 Cash Avenue,
Beaver Valley.
Colorado.
December 20th 1994.
Okay Buster :
I think I prefer the birds. What the Hell am I going to do with Eight
Maids-A-Milking??
It's not enough with all those birds and maids a-milking, but they had to
bring their goddam cows.
There's shit all over the lawn, I can't move in my own house!
What are you doing to me? Just lay off me, smartass!
Aberdeen
**************
Miss Aberdeen McHolstein,
69 Cash Avenue,
Beaver Valley.
Colorado.
December 21st 1994.
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist??
Now there's Nine Pipers Playing. And Christ, do they play! They've never
stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds.
What am I going to do??
The neighbours have started a petition to evict me!
You'll get yours.
Aberdeen.
***********
Miss Aberdeen McHolstein,
69 Cash Avenue,
Beaver Valley.
Colorado.
December 22nd 1994.
You rotten prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies.
They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhoea.
My living room is a river of shit!
The Commisioner of Buildings has subpenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm going to sick the police on you!
One who means it.
Venomously,
Aberdeen.
******************
Miss Aberdeen McHolstein,
69 Cash Avenue,
Beaver Valley.
Colorado.
December 23rd 1994.
Listen Dickhead:
What's with the Eleven Lords-A-Leaping on those maids and ladies??
Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and the ladies and have been commiting
sodomy with the cows!
All twenty three of the birds are dead.
They've been trampled to death in the orgy, I hope you're satisfied, you
rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Aberdeen.
**************
LAW OFFICES.
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street,
Denver.
Colorado.
December 24th 1994.
Dear Sirs:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of Twelve Fiddlers Fiddling,
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Aberdeen McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to
reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight!
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Codially,
L.M. Badger.
Badger, Bender and Cajole.
*************
Humor collection