netjeff.com Humor collection I'm Stuck with the Kids--A Frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS

--- On Tue, 02 Apr 96 13:42:00 PST  Robert Dunstan  
[Robert_Dunstan(at)ccm.jf.intel.com] wrote:


** I'm Stuck with the Kids--A Frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS **

]Editor's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no
]polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story. This is one of
]those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's
]weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. We believe
]the letter speaks for itself.

Dear Sirs:

        I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two
of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank
you. I havequestioned whether these are my children or not for years.
They are evil and expensive.

        It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to
care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect
over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
reinstate the deduction.  This year they are yours!

        The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your offfice where she can answer
people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal
training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going
to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible
for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that
she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the
immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds
to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen
also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of
the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face
of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I
am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I
suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good
handle on the problem.

        Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His
eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In
February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer
who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In
the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to
Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is
purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to
deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few
days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of
filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all
of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone
and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT
leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables,
inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find
telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out
the 900 and 976 numbers!)

        Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going
on 21.She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed
clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of
her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the
schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the
amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that
we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise
this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most
people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of
valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak.I
don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll
her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She
wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears
pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that
worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when
you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that
it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is
really made of.

        You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you
get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the
youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am
free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling
before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I
won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please
let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already
increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional
tax and make a down payment on an airplane.
        Yours Truly,
                Bob


[ Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date. "Rats,
they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions." Our response, "Gee
Bob, sometimes you just can't get a break." ]

netjeff.com Humor collection I'm Stuck with the Kids--A Frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS