netjeff.com Humor collection Dear Santa, Slap Martha

Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond
earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little
thing, and I want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scare her or draw blood or anything.
Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy
inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it
for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer
vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.

Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with
gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates
match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.  We're
tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped
in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the
furniture polish variety.  We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce,
spiced with turmeric.  Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone
figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all
the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last
week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for
her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only
ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza?  Is Martha
Stewart Living?). When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she
replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted
that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."

Well lah-dee-dah.

Imagine that, Santa. That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in
which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot
chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The
coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an
entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly
put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies
as "put away" in my house.

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends.
"Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts.
Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy
about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with
such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s" and says
her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a
monogram, how to fold a towel."

I have one piece of advice, Martha: get new friends. Glamorous friends fly
to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping
champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in
shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs.  They do not
spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential
people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and
Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in
the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they
were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to
rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.
This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along:  She's obviously
got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to  rollerblade. What a
show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her
friends:  She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman
Library.  It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But
what price a friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me.  I'm
doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You
should listen to them."

Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once
the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back.  "Being an
overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your
standards," says Martha.

And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important
presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little
lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good
smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.

You probably want to smack her yourself.

netjeff.com Humor collection Dear Santa, Slap Martha