netjeff.com Humor collection Proxy fathers

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been
broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers".  Under the government
plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first
five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father- a
government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by
impregnating
the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to
arrive.  Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off.  The government man
should be here soon."  Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings
the bell................

    Ms Smith:  "Good morning."

    Salesman:  "Good morning, madam.  You don't know me, but I've come
               to.....

    Ms Smith:  "No need to explain,  I've been expecting you.

    Salesman:  "Really?  Well, good.  I've made a specialty of babies,
               especially twins."

    Ms Smith:  "That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in
               and have a seat."

    Salesman:  (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

    Ms Smith:  "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this
               is the right thing to do."

    Salesman:  "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

    Ms Smith:  (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

    Salesman:  "Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub,
               one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes
               the living room floor allows the subject to really
               spreadout."

    Ms Smith:  "Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it hasn't worked
               for Harry and me."

    Salesman:  "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
               every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot
               from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
               the results.  In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to
               please.'"

    Ms Smith:  "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

    Salesman:  "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take
               his time.  I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
               you'd be disappointed with that."

    Ms Smith:  "Don't I know!  Have you had much success at this?"

    Salesman:  (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
               look at this picture.  Believe it or not, it was done on
               top of a bus in downtown London."

    Ms Smith:  "Oh, my!!"

    Salesman:  "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
               They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
               mother was so difficult to work with."

    Ms Smith:  "She was?"

    Salesman:  "Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to take her down to
               Hyde Park to get the job done right.  I've never worked
               under such impossible conditions.  People were crowding
               around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

    Ms Smith:  "Four and five deep?"

    Salesman:  "Yes and for more than three hours, too.  The mother got so
               excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling
               at the crowd.  I couldn't concentrate.  I'm afraid I had to
               ask a couple of men restrain her.  By that time darkness was
               approaching and I began to rush my shots.  When the squirrels
               began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

    Ms Smith:  "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

    Salesman:  "That's right, but it's all in a day's work.  I consider my
               work a pleasure.  I've spent years perfecting my patented
               technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front
               window of a big department store."

    Ms Smith:  "I just can't believe it."

    Salesman:  "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
               we can get to work."

    Ms Smith:  "TRIPOD?!?"

    Salesman:  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on.
               It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
               shooting.  Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!

netjeff.com Humor collection Proxy fathers