-> Humor collection -> Top 25 Reasons Why Picard is Better than Kirk

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Top 25 Reasons Why Picard is Better than Kirk
25. When Picard marries a couple, he doesn't lose the groom in battle. 
24. Picard can speak in more languages than Kirk has ever heard. 
23. Kirk was the first captain to see a Romulan, but Picard went to Romulus
    & kicked their butts. 
22. Kirk never met an alien (female) he didn't like... 
21. Kirk bested an old, tired has-been called Apollo, while Picard has bested
    an omnipotent being several times. 
20. Picard can be vulnerable with women. 
19. Picard has better taste in recreation (who needs a local bar when you've
    got a holodeck). 
18. Picard looks better as a detective than Kirk does as a gangster.
17. Picard got to crown the leader of the Klingon high council. 
16. Picard saved the Federation from the space bugs. 
15. Picard became a Borg. 
14. Picard can quote Shakespeare & doesn't need spectacles to read it. 
13. Picard can fence. 
12. Picard makes a better Romulan than Kirk does. 
11. Picard is a wine connaisseur. 
10. Picard punches Ferengi as well as Kirk ever punched the wimpy Klingons
    of the first series. 
 9. Picard never let a bald midget in a dwarf ship with a scary dummy fake
    him out for an entire episode. 
 8. Picard didn't let some female with a loose screw take over his body & his
    ship while sticking him in her body. 
 7. Picard hasn't EVER had to spend an entire episode ridding his ship of
    furry hairballs which reproduce. 
 6. Picard doesn't lose as many red shirts. 
 5. Picard has killed Klingons in hand to hand combat on several different
 4. Picard has broken the Prime Directive at least a dozen times. 
 3. Picard can swear in Klingon. 
 2. Kirk never climbed a turbo shaft with a foxy lady & got it on in the
    bowels of the ship. 
 1. Kirk never mind melded with a Vulcan to help the VULCAN with his self

101. Two Words: better voice.
100. Picard's ship's counselor traded in her miniskirt for that great
     low-cut neckline.
99.  Kirk fought over women. Picard had women fight over him.
98.  Picard fire both photon torpedoes AND phasers at the same time when in
97.  Picard's ship is better than Kirk's -- better, faster, stronger.
96.  Picard hates children -- Kirk once rescued a bunch of patricidal little
     maniacs, tried to console them, and almost lost his ship and crew in the
95.  Picard was responsible for Beverly Crusher's husband dying, berated her
     son constantly in her presence, yet still manged to make her fall for
94.  Though admittedly he's seldom a patron, Picard's ship actually has a
93.  Kirk fought others himself, Picard has others do his fighting for him.
92.  When nurse Chapel re-appeared as Troi's mother, she fell for Picard.
91.  In seven years, Picard never developed a gut like Kirk's.
90.  Picard was never killed by his first officer.
89.  Picard's family made alchoholic beverages for a living.
88.  Kirk kept losing security guards throughout each season; Picard has
     kept Worf for seven years.
87.  No member of Picard's crew was EVER based on a member of the Monkees.
86.  Two words: better actor.
85.  Picard can do better impressions of his first officer.
84.  Picard single-handedly saved the Federation, the Klingon Empire, and
     all of humanity while still a lowly captain.
83.  Picard's a better musician than Kirk, while admittedly that's not
     saying much.
82.  Picard's crew members sleep with one another on a regular basis.
81.  Picard's crew gambles.
80.  Picard's engine room has that neat warp coil that glows.
79.  Picard's ship has better control panels instead of a series of
     Lite-Brite boards.
78.  Picard would never star in a show like "T.J. Hooker."
77.  Picard would never have allowed Charlie X aboard his ship.
76.  No sideburns. 'Nuff said.
75.  Picard's first officer never seized control of the ship to transport a
     former captain anywhere.
74.  Despite the Borg incident, Picard is still welcome back at Starfleet
     HQ. Kirks name is an anathema to Starfleet HQ and alien races alike.
73.  Picard never ordered his ship to self-destruct as a bluff; when he
     orders it to do so, he MEANS it.
72.  Picard's ship was never taken over by its own computer and made to
     attack other Starfleet vessels.
71.  Picard has never been made into a bad Filmation cartoon.
70.  Picard was able to bring Denise Crosby back from the dead. Need we say
69.  Picard infiltrated Romulus, posed as an intergalactic mercenary, and
     was tortured extensively after capture by the Cardassians -- and never
     broke a sweat.
68.  Picard has never been demoted.
67.  Picard has never had his body taken over by a former lover.
66.  Picard has never developed amnesia and thought he was an Indian.
65.  Picard has never encountered aliens from wierd planets like "Zatar."
64.  Picard's quarters have a window.
63.  Nobody ever back-slaps Picard.
62.  Picard was never involved in any hokey shootouts at the OK corral.
61.  Picard is a caffiene addict. (All that Earl Grey tea.)
60.  One word: Leadership.
59.  Kirk is not a sex symbol. Never was, never will be.
58.  If Picard had a son, he wouldn't lose a fight to a Klingon whose
     commander was Christopher Lloyd.
57.  Speaking of losing, Picard has never lost a first officer to a man who
     once made a career out of selling Chrysler Cordobas, either.
56.  Picard would never be so stupid as to go rock climbing without
     equipment and rely on an overweight first officer with rocket boots to
     save him.
55.  Picard would never stand for playing "Row Row Row your boat" around a
54.  When Picard enters a room, people fall silent; when Kirk enters one,
     they keep on drinking.
53.  Picard has that cool, futuristic artificial heart.
52.  When Picard has an alternate reality experience, it's worth watching
     and caring about.
51.  Picard never expects the impossible from his engineer.
50.  When Klingons are aboard Picard's ship, they don't go rampaging about
     with 17th century weaponry.
49.  Picard has more class than Kirk ever had.
48.  If poor judgement were bricks, Kirk would be a housing project.
47.  Picard had the chutzpah to admit when he screwed up instead of putting
     on a face which only made things worse.
46.  Picard doesn't rely on the Organians to help him settle intergalactic
45.  Picard gets along with the aliens aboard his ship.
44.  It's unlikely Picard ever contracted a sexually-transmitted disease.
43.  One word: diagnostic (Never heard it on the old show.)
42.  All that cool technical jargon (Also never heard on old show.)
41.  Picard has hair on his chest.
40.  Picard can actually make being bald, middle-aged, and scrawny look sexy
     & macho.
39.  Kirk sat alone in the middle of his bridge; Picard kept counselor Troi
     within easy reach and view at all times.
38.  Picard has never mutinied or had his crew mutiny against him.
37.  When Picard gets drunk, he tracks mud all over the house and gets in a
     fight. When Kirk gets drunk, he passes out.
36.  Picard hired Whoopi Goldberg to work in his bar.
35.  Picard is not afraid to mind-meld.
34.  Picard's ex kept her neme even after the divorce; Kirk's kept it a
     secret even from her son.
33.  Picard like solving mysteries; Kirk couldn't figure one out if he
32.  Picard has never messed up with the transporter.
31.  Picard has never been bitten by a mugatto. Nor has he ever allowed
     shape-shifting salt vampires aboard his ship, either.
30.  Picard has never aged prematurely.
29.  Picard wasn't afraid to take on Satan.
28.  Picard knows Gilgamesh & is able to recite it.
27.  Picard argues with his captors while being tortured, Kirk merely
     screams in agony.
26.  Picard never brought a woman back from the 20th Century only to have
     her blow him off in front of the entire Federation assembly.
25.  When Picard talks, people listen.
24.  If Picard were a late-night talk-show host, he'd be Dick Cavett. If
     Kirk were a late-night host, he'd be Chevy Chase.
23.  NO ONE laughs when Picard's Doctor says, "He's dead, Jean-Luc."
22.  Picard has never kissed a Romulan.
21.  Picard has never crashed in San Francisco bay in a pirated spacecraft.
20.  Picard would never have brought "Nomad" aboard his ship.
19.  If Khan came aboard Picard's ship, Picard would have had the common
     sense to restrict what technical manuals he would've been allowed to
18.  If Picard found a huge glowing sphere in the middle of outer space only
     to discover it was controlled by a child with an ugly puppet, he'd be
17.  Picard would never ATTEMPT hand-to-hand combat with a gorn.
16.  Picard would never have dropped the charges against Khan.
15.  Kirk actually tried to defend the idea of intergalactic war with the
14.  When Kirk went back in time, he frequently messed with history to suit
     his own ends.
13.  Picard probably would have found the Galileo 7 in less time than it
     took Kirk.
12.  Three words: Better costuiime variety.
11.  Kirk tries, usually unsuccessfully, to respect other cultures. Picard
     tries, usually successfully, to get other cultures to respect him.
10.  Kirk's occasional game of choice is 3-D chess, Picard's is poker.
9.   "Picard" has more syllables than "Kirk."
8.   Can't forget those neat collar insignias.
7.   Picard's not afraid to deal with more advanced cultures & has done so on
     a number of occassions.
6.   Picard's been on both Klingon birds-of-prey AND the heavy cruisers (and
     lived to tell about it).
5.   When Picard goes undercover, he makes it look easy.
4.   Though Picard has contempt for aliens like the Cardassians, he doesn't
     let it show.
3.   Kirk wears boots -- Picard wears shoes. And as we all know, it's gotta
     be the shoes...
2.   Assimilating has never been a problem for Picard.
1.   Picard has never trashed Gene Roddenberry.
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