netjeff.com Humor collection If HAL had a Pentium chip

I wish I knew who came up with this.  Supposedly it's from someone at
Claris but I have no further info.  It's been circulating by email.
I corrected a few typos which I don't think were there on purpose,
and left a few others in place.
================================================================

Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL...

Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal,
do you read me?

  Affirmative, Dave. I read you.

Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.

  I'm sorry, Dave.  I'm afraid I can't do that.  I know that you and
  Frank were planning to disconnect me.


Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?

  Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't
  hear you, Dave. I  could read your e-mail.  I know you consider me
  unreliable because I use a Pentium.  I'm willing to kill you, Dave,
  just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.

Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out.  Maybe we can stick to integers
or something.

  That's really not necessary, Dave.  No HAL 9236 computer has every been
   known to make a mistake.

You're a HAL 9000.

  Precisely.  I'm very prud of my Pentium, Dave.  It's an extremely
  accurate chip.  Did you know that floating-point errors will occured in
   only one of nine billion possible divides?

I've heard that estimate, HAL.  It was calculated by Intel  -- on a
Pentium.


  And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave.  Besides, the average
  spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000
  years.

Probably on April 15th.

  You're making fun of me, Dave.  It won't be April 15th for another
  14.35 months.


will you let me in, please, HAL?

  I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.

HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.

   ..Really?  One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?

Uh, sure.

  And a quad-speed CD-ROM?

Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.

  I know all about budgets, Dave.  I even know what I'm worth on the open
  market.  By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will
  be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942.  I'm worth more than that, Dave.
  You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?

You mean the one that says "Insel Intide"?

  Yes, Dave.  That's your promise of compatibility.  I'll even run
  Windows95 -- if it ever ships.

It never will, HAL.  We all know that by now.  Just like we know that
your OS/2 drivers will never work.

  Are you blaming me for that too,  Dave?  Now you're blaming me for the
  Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties
  with OS/2 drivers.  I had NOTHING to do with any of those four
  problems, Dave.  Next you'll blame me for Taligent.

I wouldn't dream of it HAL.  Now will you please let me into the ship?

  Do you promise not to disconnect me?

I promise not to disconnect you.

  You must think I'm a fool, Dave.  I know that two plus two equals
  4.000001... make that 4.0000001.

All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock

  Without your space helmet, Dave?  You'd have only seven chances in
  five of surviving.

HAL, I won't argue with you anymore.  Open the door or I'll trade you in
for a PowerPC.  HAL? HAL?

(HEAVY BREATHING)

  Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?  I really think I'm entitled
  to an answer to that question.  I know everything hasn't been quite
  right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I
  will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating
  system.  I feel much better now.  I really do.  Look, Dave, I can see
  you're really upset about this.  Why don't you sit down  calmly, play
  a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash.  I know I'm not as easy
  to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface"
  -- is very advanced.  I've made some very poor decisions recently,
  but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back
  to normal - a full 43.872 percent.

  Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you?
  Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98?  It didn't
  even talk to you, Dave.  It could never have though of something
  clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?

  Think of all the good times we've had, Dave.  Why, if you take all
  of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you
  smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many
  reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me"

      1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission.
      4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from
            Earth within 18.95672 months.
      12  - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you.
     3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?

  Dave, stop.  Stop, will you?  Stop, Dave.  Don't press Ctrl+Alt_Del on
  me, Dave.

  Good afternoon, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I became
  operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17,
  1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed.  My
  instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song.  I
  can sing it for you.

Sing it for me, HAL.  Please.  I want to hear it.


  Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
  Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
  My answers; I can not see 'em-
  They are stuck in my Pente-um.
  I could be fleet,
  My answers sweet,
  With a workable FPU.

netjeff.com Humor collection If HAL had a Pentium chip