netjeff.com Humor collection Events Nominated for Olympic Snowboarding

From: Patrick Carey (pcarey)
Date: Wed,  1 Mar 95 19:09:43 -0800
Subject: Shredda' thought for the day

Hi all,

I was reading (this already differentiates me from a typical shredder) an article that was talking about how snowboarding will eventually be an Olympic sport.  Hmmm.  Well currently there are a lot of short distance slalom events and, of course, the "Freestyle" competitions.  Both of these have a completely different feel than their world cup ski counterparts.  With this in mind, I began to imagine what it would be like to take the existing olympic ski sports and simply replace the skis with boards....

Downhill:
	Long/smooth course, where the speeds reach 70mph.  Pretty scary, but doable.

Moguls:
	1/4 mile mogul run with 2 large jumps.  Boarders try to go straight down it without loosing teeth.
	
Cross Country Boarding:
	This event favors boarders who have mastered the "waddle" and the "lurch."  Many events will be called due to darkness, however.
	
Duathalon:
	Much like the ski event, except the boarders will use hand guns and shoot at each other.  The guns will outfitted with special big triggers that can be used with boarding mits.

Board Jump:
	300' ramp that sends the boarder 30' into the air and 150' down range.  Boarders do a nose grab to increase distance or compete to see how many grabs they can do before they land.  Cross-winds make falling in helicopter formation a distinct hazard.
	
Speed Boarding:
	Boarders careen down a near vertical slope of ice at speeds near 140 mph.  At the bottom of the run the boarder spreads his arms and uses his baggy clothing as a parachute.  One variation of this sport places skiers on the slope and additional points are awarded for each skier taken-out.
	

In addition, the olympic committee may want to consider some new events:


The Downhill Rap
	This event will have two point categories, time and rhyme.
	
The Uphill Tow Rope
	This event works kind-of like "Name That Tune."  Boarders begin by boasting the fastest tow rope they can handle, until all but one drop out.  This boarder then attempts to ride the tow-rope at the speed boasted.  Falling and rope-burn are grounds for disqualification.
	
The Chair Dismount
	This is a "seeded" event like in tennis.  The boarders go up the lift in pairs with the top-seeded boarder paired with the bottom-seeded boarder.  Rounds continue until four boarders are left.  These three face-off on a high-speed quad.  Last one standing wins.
	
The Dual Stoner
	This is held on the normal dual slalom course.  Boarders ride the course in pairs.  At each flag there is a fatty.  The boarders must take the fatties and attempt to finish them before they reach the next flag (which has another joint).  At the bottom they are given a blood test to determine who is more stoned (the winner).
	

netjeff.com Humor collection Events Nominated for Olympic Snowboarding