netjeff.com Humor collection The "Not Raising Hogs" business

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington D.C.

Dear Sir:

My friend,Ed, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1000 from the
government for not raising hogs.  So, I was wondering if i could get
into the "not raising hog" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise?  I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies.  I would prefer not to raise
Raserbacks but if that is not a good breed not to raise then I will
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I have not raised. My friend,Ed,
is very joyful about the future of this business.  He has been
raising hogs for 20 years and the best he ever made on them was $422
in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not
raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs will I get $2000 for not
raising 100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 400 hogs not raised which will mean
about $80,000 the first year.  Then I can afford an airplane.

Now, another thing.  These hogs I will not raise will not eat
1,000,000 bushels of corn.  I understand that you also pay farmers
for not raising corn and wheat.  Will I qualify for payments for not
raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to
raise?

Also I am considering the "not milking cows" business so please send
me any information you have on that, too.

In view of these circumstances you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. You can
be sure you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,


P.S.  Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more
free cheese?

netjeff.com Humor collection The "Not Raising Hogs" business