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Microsoft Releases 'Joe-Bob'(tm)
REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced the
release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company
hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto
"The software for the rest of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same
demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks
"Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and
intellectuals," explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but we've
recently seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology
-- the time is right for the rest of America to get wired!"
Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in
a garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music
library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to the
Internet's hottest gifs," the promotional materials explain.
The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but
does have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the
best roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order
spareribs and beer at the click of a mouse.
"This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg.
"It thinks like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it everywhere," he
says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his
12-gauge in his pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a
special clip-on beer holder for their monitors.
"Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill
"Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter
video games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. We're just
catering to a demand, that's all."
Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying
things like "Joe-Bob: Make Your Disk Hard," "Go Microsoft -- Go
Intel -- Go America," and "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps."
Apple declined to comment.