netjeff.com Humor collection What if New York said Kansas was a theory?

By Nick Bartkoski, Columnist for The University Daily Kansan
(c) 1999 The University Daily Kansan
http://www.kansan.com/

In a controversial decision, the New York State Board of Education has
voted to put less emphasis on teaching about the existence of Kansas, a
move sharply criticized in the Midwest but applauded in civilized areas.

"This will not cause geography teachers to stop teaching about our 34th
state," said Board of Education member John Sausage. "However, it will
allow our children to examine the set up of our nation critically, rather
than giving credence to every collection of drunken rednecks that claim
they've been part of the United States since 1861."

The new standards adopted by the board declare that teachers need not
include Kansas in a comprehensive teaching of U.S. geography. New maps are
being printed for New York schools that will either distribute Kansas'
land to its neighboring states or denote it as a new Great Lake.

However, board officials already have warned teachers not to refer to the
non-existent lake as Lake Kansas. "To even use the word Kansas in the
classroom will destroy what we have tried to build," Sausage said.

While some experts predicted a backlash in New York schools, many teachers
have embraced this new standard. "I only regret such progressive thinking
wasn't in place when I was in school," said Erin Dougal, social studies
teacher at J.F.K. High School. "In my day, we had to memorize all this
stuff about useless places like Wyoming or Kansas. Now the kids can just
pretend these places don't exist, which in my mind is the attitude they
should take toward those backward yokels."

This is an attitude the Board of Education is encouraging. The board is
using this new standard as an experiment toward implementing the "Two
Coast" theory of geography.

Depending on the success of this change, New York teachers could one day
teach that the United States is made up of the coastal or "civilized"
states and a single super-state in the Midwest. Most likely this state
will be called Illinois with a capital of Chicago to work with the limited
knowledge East Coast students have of the Midwest.

Sausage claimed this would be more natural teaching for the students.

"Since most adult New Yorkers refuse to accept the existence of anything
west of Ohio and east of (Las) Vegas, it only makes sense that we teach
our children lessons consistent with the East Coast snobbery we practice
in our everyday lives."

Educators on the coasts and in Chicago applaud this move; however, some
"educators" in the state formerly known as Kansas fear this will minimize
Kansas' contribution to culture.

"It's unfair for us to be marginalized like this," said Melissa Roberts,
Kansas elementary teacher. "To ignore Kansas ignores the wonderful
things."  "Kansas has contributed to America, like...uh...and then
there's...uh...Fine, we've done nothing. I never wanted to stay here
anyway. I always dreamed of living in New York - the bright lights, the
excitement - but John wanted to raise his kids in a nice quiet Midwestern
town. Is it my fault that if anything exciting happens, it happens in
civilization rather than in this God forsaken state?"

Other coastal states may implement this new change based on the success of
the New York program, which will put Kansas back into the realm of fiction
where it belongs.

Bartkoski is a Basehor senior in English and journalism.

(c) 1999 The University Daily Kansan

netjeff.com Humor collection What if New York said Kansas was a theory?