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Job hunting language

*** WHAT EMPLOYERS SAY ***

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:   You'll be making under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:  You'll be making
under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:   We want you to get your hopes up,
but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:   Once it's shared between the higher-ups,
there won't be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:   We remain competitive by paying less than
our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you;
you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:  Inc. Magazine wrote us up a
few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING:  The person who used to have this job
gave notice a month ago.  We're just now running the ad.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:   We're not
going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll
wait 30 days for your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED:  Management won't answer questions

WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: After 90 days, you can join our HMO,
which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:  After 3 years, we'll allow you
to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a
5 percent matching contribution.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:...who still
live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:  We don't pay enough to expect that
you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:  We have a lot of turnover.

EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:  Guys in gray suits
will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:  We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:  Your coworkers will be insulted if you
don't drink with them.

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:  We booze it up at company parties.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:  You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:  If we're in trouble, you'll
go on TV and get us out of it.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some
time each weekend.

SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:  We'll offer you $22k to start.

A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:  You'll give boring speeches
on your own time.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:  Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

DUTIES WILL VARY:  Anyone in the office can boss you around.

WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:  Those who missed the last
round of layoffs, that is.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:  We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years
studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:  We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll
need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company
in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities
of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.

ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:  We loooooove
brown-nosers.


*** WHAT APPLICANTS SAY *** I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office. I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes. I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room. I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly. I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer. MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced. I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot. I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk. I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there. I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out. I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away! I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
Categories for this item: Workplace, Language, Job Hunting

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