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*** WHAT EMPLOYERS SAY ***
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You'll be making
under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY: We want you to get your hopes up,
but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it's shared between the higher-ups,
there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than
our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you;
you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a
few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job
gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We're not
going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll
wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won't answer questions
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: After 90 days, you can join our HMO,
which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS: After 3 years, we'll allow you
to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a
5 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:...who still
live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that
you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT: Guys in gray suits
will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT: Your coworkers will be insulted if you
don't drink with them.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT: We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: If we're in trouble, you'll
go on TV and get us out of it.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some
time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k: We'll offer you $22k to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION: You'll give boring speeches
on your own time.
FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED: Those who missed the last
round of layoffs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years
studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll
need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company
in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities
of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY: We loooooove
brown-nosers.
*** WHAT APPLICANTS SAY ***
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac.
When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other
people what to do.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've
used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and
do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes
and I tell them badly.
I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal
advice to co-workers.
I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably
looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job.
I'm outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.
I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of
sexual harassment.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold
my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my
interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
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