netjeff.com Humor collection How To Argue Effectively

Here are helpful tips that are not taught in either "Effective
Meetings" or "Dealing with Difficult People".


     "HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY"

I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this and
steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great
respect, they don't even invite me.  You too can win arguments.
Simply follow these rules:

  *Drink liquor.

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is
expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing
about.  If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit
juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while
the hotshot enthralls your date.  But if you drink several large
martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the
Peruvian economy.  You'll be a WEALTH of information.  You'll
argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting
furniture.  People will be impressed.  Some may leave the room.

  *Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to
prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely
on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if
you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off.  DON'T
say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid."  Say instead:  "The
average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised
tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean
gross poverty level."

  NOTE:  Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make
THAT up too.  Say:  "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T.
Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9,
1982. Didn't you read it?"  Say this in the same tone of voice you
would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my
bathroom."

  *Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

  Let me put it this way
  In terms of
  Vis-a-vis
  Per se
  As it were
  Qua
  So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as
"Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e."  These are all short for "I speak Latin,
and you don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases.  Suppose you want
to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but
they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that.  But you WILL win if
you say, "Let me put it this way.  In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis
Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more
often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se,
as it were.  Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

  *Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back
at your opponents when they make valid points.  The best are:

  You're begging the question.
  You're being defensive.
  Don't compare apples to oranges.
  What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable.  Nobody (other than
engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what
"parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

  You say:    As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
  Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
  You say:    You're begging the question.

  You say:    Liberians, like most Asians...
  Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
  You say:    You're being defensive.

  *Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously
 right and you are spectacularly wrong.  Bring Hitler up subtly.
Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler
might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it.  You now know how to out-argue anybody.  Do not
try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

netjeff.com Humor collection How To Argue Effectively