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News Flash:
In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday
that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be
replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1995.
"Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we
couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused.
So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing
campaign we decided just to buy 1995. That way we get an extra year to
debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1995."
Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail
out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS is
being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual
with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."
A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial
branch for the duration of "Year-M." Speculators stated that Gates
would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits
pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper
than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his
purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a
countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be
broken up into "deity conglomerates."
"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"
Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early
resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God
has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he
doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and
can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.
"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we
would be able to ship Windows 95 on time."
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