-> Humor collection -> Git yer haggis here!

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Git yer haggis here!
My brother found this recipe in a Guam paper, The Pacific Daily News, and 
thought it was pretty good.  He took the liberty of adding a few additional 
comments, in (), except for ("neeps") and ("potatoes").

                        HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN HAGGIS

   If you can find a butcher (or mortician) who stocks the necessary
ingredients, here's how to make your own:

Haggis Ingredients:
  - 1 sheep's stomach (preferably fresh)
  - Heart, liver, kidneys and lungs of a sheep (preferably from the same
sheep.  The sheep will thank you!  Well, probably not the one who's
missing all its internal organs)
  - Salt and pepper
  - White cayenne pepper
  - Nutmeg (everybody likes a little sweetness!)
  - 2 onions, chopped
  - 6 ounces toasted oatmeal (???...must be an Scottish thing?)
  - 1 pound beef suet (not duet)
  - Three-fourths pint of stock (A little known Scottish phrase for "a
shitload     of scotch so you can eat this crap!")

   Wash the stomach with cold water, turning it inside out and scraping well
(unless you want that SPECIAL added "flavor"!).
   Boil the heart, liver, kidneys and lungs until tender, hanging the
windpipe over the edge of the pan so that ( makes that cool whistling
noise!) it drains into a bowl (or for those who can't wait, so it drains
directly into your mouth!).
   Chop meat very finely and grate the liver (to really bring out the full
flavor!?).  Spread this over the table (which for all intents and purposes,
doesn't really matter if it's clean!) and add salt, pepper, nutmeg, onions,
suet and oatmeal (I think just those ingredients by themselves are the
recipe for Borscht).
   Mix well with stock and fill the stomach (the SHEEP'S not your own!!).
Make sure to leave room (or leave THE room) for the oatmeal to swell in the
cooking (nothing worse than cleaning up an exploded sheep's stomach.  Also
make sure you leave room for swelling in your OWN stomach after comsuming
this "Scottish Cavier"!!).  Sew up, prick all over with a needle and put
into boiling water for three hours (this would be an opportune time to
consume the remaining "stock",or whatever other highly intoxicating beverage
you choose.  In fact, it's recommended!).
   When done, place on a hot plate (nobody likes cold Haggis, afterall),
slit open and serve with mashed turnips ("neeps") and tatties ("potatoes").

   After about an hour, you'll begin to feel a little funny and bloated.
This is a sign to call 911 immediately!  Once you return home from having
your stomach pumped, you can enjoy this delicious delicacy again and again!!

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