netjeff.com Humor collection Drinking troubleshooting guide

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault   : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong
          part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
          as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale
          and clear.
Fault   : Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault   : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault   : Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its
          owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault   : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Bar swaying.
Fault   : Air turbulence unusually high -maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault   : You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain
          loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom : The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a
          flourescent strip across it.
Fault   : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
          stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar

netjeff.com Humor collection Drinking troubleshooting guide