netjeff.com Humor collection Differences between men and women

Men and Women are not alike.

Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have conclusive
proof!  After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following  
topics, these facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS:  First, a man does not call a relationship a  
relationship.  He refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were  
boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her  
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots."
Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the  
breakup -- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning -- he will call and say "I  
just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never  
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you  
to know there's always a chance for us."  This is known as the "I Hate  
You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at  
least once.  There are community colleges that offer courses to help men  
get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:  Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her  
place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:  Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females  
can function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each  
other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school romances rarely  
work out.

HATS:  Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

COMEDY:  Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room,  
watching tele- vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.   
Immediately, the men will get very excited -- they will laugh  
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, men's  
favorite stooge.

The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

HANDWRITING:  To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.   
They just chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with  
circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"  
and "g's."  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when  
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:  A man has at most six items in his bathroom:  a toothbrush,  
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the  
Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man  
would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES:  Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because  
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy  
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GROCERIES:  A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to  
the store and buys these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon,  
and something turning green.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys  
everything that looks good.  By the time he reaches the checkout  
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The  
Beverley Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going to  
the 10-items-or-less lane.

GOING OUT:  When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to  
go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready  
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on  
her makeup...

SHOES:  When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,  
and then slip into Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a  
plastic bag from Saks.  When she arrives at work, she will put on her  
dress shoes.  Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her  
feet are under her desk.

A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

LEG WARMERS:  Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the  
dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear  
them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the  
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

CATS:  Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS:  Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny  
surface -- mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's  
head...

GARAGES:  Women use garages to park their cars and to store their  
lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages,  
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in  
garages.

MOVIES:  For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable  
kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face  
in "Public Enemy."

JEWELRY:  Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it.  Any more than  
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE:  When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety  
of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The  
nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction.  He buys aviator  
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes  
shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

THE TELEPHONE:  Men see the telephone as a communications tool.  They  
use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,  
she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

LOW BLOWS:  Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on  
television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

DIRECTIONS:  If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in  
unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for  
directions.

Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.  A man will never stop and  
ask for directions.  Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while  
saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and,  
"I know I'm in the neighborhood.  I recognize that White Hen store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES:  Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

RICHARD GERE:  Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous  
way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who  
works out at the health club and dates only married women.

OFFSPRING:  Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She  
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best  
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:  A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,  
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...

A man will dress up for:  weddings, funerals.

NUDITY IN MOVIES:  Every actress in the history of movies has had to do  
a nude scene.  This is because every movie in the history of movies has  
been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.  
This is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN:  Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the  
face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always  
has a bad haircut.

netjeff.com Humor collection Differences between men and women