netjeff.com Humor collection Do-it-yourself country & Western Song Kit

I met her [1] [2].  I can still recall [3] she wore.

1.                      2.                      3.
on the highway          in September            that purple dress
in Sheboygan            at McDonald's           that little hat
outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun          that burlap bra
at a truck stop         wrestlin' gators        those training pants
on probation            all hunched over        the stolen goods
in a jail cell          poppin' uppers          that plastic nose
in a nightmare          sort of pregnant        the Stassin pin
incognito               with joggers            the neon sign
in the Stone Age        stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile
in a treehouse          with Merv Griffin       the hearing aid
in a gay bar            dead all over           the boxer shorts


She was [4] [5].

4.                                  5
sobbin' at the toll booth           in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper                 but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies         by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne              near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie        with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny              when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand           with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini                in her muu-muu


and I knew [6]; [7] I'd [8] forever;

6.                                    7.                     8.
no guy would ever love her more       I promised her         stay with her
that she would be an easy score       I knew deep down       warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store  She asked me if        swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore     I told her shrink      change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"      The judge declared     punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore     My Pooh Bear said      live off her
it was a raven, nothing more          I shrieked in pain     have my rash
we really lost the last World War     The painters knew      stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor  A Klingon said         hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for       My hamster thought     pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core       The blood test showed  play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor     Her rabbi said         salivate


She said to me [9]; But who'd have thought she'd [10] [11];

9.                           10.          11.
our love would never die     run off      with my best friend
there was no other guy       wind up      in my Edsel
man wasn't meant to fly      boogie       on a surfboard
that Nixon didn't lie        yodel        on "The Gong Show"
her basset hound was shy     sky dive     with her dentist
that Rolaids made her high   turn green   on her "WorkMate"
she'd have a swiss on rye    freak out    with a robot
she loved my one blue eye    blast off    with no clothes on
her brother's name was Hy    make it      at her health club
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"      black out    in a Maytag
that birthdays made her cry  bobsled      with her guru
she couldn't stand my tie    grovel       while in labor

[12] goodbye.

12.
You'd think at least that she'd have said
I never had the chance to say
She told her fat friend Grace to say
I now can kiss my credit cards
I guess I was too smashed to say
I watched her melt away and sobbed
She fell beneath the wheels and cried
She sent a hired thug to say
She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
I pushed her off the bridge and waved
But that's the way that pygmies say
She sealed me in the vault and smirked.

netjeff.com Humor collection Do-it-yourself country & Western Song Kit