netjeff.com Humor collection You know you've been a consultant for too long when...

     1) you refer to the yield of the tomato plants in your home garden as
     "deliverables";

     2) you can tell the copier repair person at the client site exactly
     what's wrong with the machine and what parts need to be replaced;

     3) the new client staff come to you for information on how to start
     the coffee machine;

     4) you've succeeded in memorizing the morning and afternoon schedules
     of two major airlines' flights to your client's site;

     5) you can execute five complex tasks simultaneously, but you can't
     remember what you had for breakfast that morning;

     6) you have enough "vendor" ID badges for a royal flush and two pair;

     7) you know all the late night security guards at the client site on a
     first name basis (replace "security guards" with "cleanup staff" or
     "swing-shift mainframe operators" as you choose);

     8) you use so many acronyms you no longer know which are your
     company's, the client's or the software vendor's;

     9) you feel naked without a laptop hanging from your left shoulder;

     10) the project partner tries to hire you;

     11) you forego the opportunity to fly home on the weekend, because you
     really like it in Southfield, MI. (Schaumburg, IL...Bethesda, MD...
     Norwood, MA...Harrisburg, PA);

     12) you say "Whoopee!  Half day!"  when you leave at 10:00PM;

     13) your kids point at the phone and say "...that's the one that's
     broken" when you get home, thinking you must be from the NYNEX, 'cause
     you sure don't look familiar;

     14) you start thinking that life in the US Navy Submarine Corps would
     give you more time at home;

     15) you start referring to your PC by a cute name;

     16) you are upset when you come home on Friday night and the lights
     aren't on, the bed isn't turned down, and there are no chocolates on
     your pillow;

     17) you fantasize about zero-billing;

     18) "vacationing" is spending an entire weekend in your own home;

     19) you can call room service and order multiple entrees without
     looking at the menu;

     20) writers for the OAG call you to verify flight numbers and times;

     21) you have seen more movies at 35,000 feet than you have at General
     Cinemas (replace Gen. Cin. with your local movie theater);

     22) you have had more phone numbers than Imelda Marcos has pairs of
     shoes;

     23) the media phrases "telecommuting" and "virtual office" have very
     real (and frightening) meaning for you;

     24) you forget how to turn on the windshield wipers in your own car;

     25) new staff point at you and say, "... that's him, that's the old
     guy ... ";

     26) your resume' looks like a phone book;

     27) the client says your rates are too high, and you blush;

     28) you introduce yourself to your next door neighbors ... again;

     29) your spouse flies home (to your hotel) for the weekend;

     30) you use the word "paradigm" in a sentence;

     31) you use the word "granularity" in a sentence;

     32) you use the word "robust" in a sentence;

     33) someone mentions a 7:00 meeting and you say, "AM or PM?";

     34) you cry when your PC won't start;

     35) you carry on a 5 minute conversation about data warehousing, then
     you ask what it means;

     36) when other people speak of vacations in warm sunny places, you get
     a lost look on your face, cock your head to one side like a dog
     hearing a whistle, and say, "...my last vacation was, um, it was, ah,
     um, er ....";

     37) you have a day off, and you call work because you miss it;

     38) you write a workplan for your weekends;

     39) someone asks you what you do for a living, and you can't answer
     the question;

     40) before starting the car, you insist on telling everyone where the
     emergency exits are;

     41) before stopping the car, you insist that everyone stay seated
     until the fasten seatbelts sign is off;

     42) you call CTG (computer support group) with a support question just
     for the entertainment of hearing their answer;

     43) a good dinner consists of vending machine snacks;

     44) a good lunch consists of vending machine snacks;

     45) you insist that your friends submit time sheets at the end of the
     month so you can see what you missed;

     46) you can tell the hotel staff what their room-rate policy is;

     47) you believe that e-mail is as good as a conversation can get;

     48) instant coffee tastes good;

     49) you can remember 15 client and hotel phone numbers, but you get
     stumped when asked for your home number;

     50) you file more state income tax returns than Microsoft has
     trademarks;

     51) you've been staying in the same hotel, you instinctively call it
     "home";

     52) the hotel staff recognizes you and gives you the same room every
     week (this is not always good);

     53) the room service staff feels free to nag and fight with you
     because they know you'll be back next week anyway;

     54) you know all the favorite radio stations of all the valet parking
     guys;

     55) you get more calls from the hotel staff to see if you're OK than
     you do from your friends;

     56) then you realize the hotel staff are your friends;

     57) you can list fifty-seven (and counting) reasons why you have been
     a consultant for too long.

netjeff.com Humor collection You know you've been a consultant for too long when...