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If computer companies made toasters
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
They would actually work quite well,
but not conform to Microsoft's standards.
If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or
you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and
styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel
Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three
years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing
If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast
and gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the
toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world.
If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of
bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your
If CostCo made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
And, of course:
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15000 pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your
kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control
how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly
interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy
them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.