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The Amazing Windows 4.0

Found on a BBS in remote Scotland.  It's of course from PC magazine.....

      !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AMAZING WINDOWS 4.0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  We are privileged this month to bring you our long overdue article on
  Microsoft's groundbreaking Operating System, the incredible
  Windows 4.0. Our exceptional journalistic standards demand that we
  preface this article by a restatement of our policy concerning review
  of non-shipping products.  While our policy has always been that we
  would review no product that is not actually shipping at the time of
  publication, WE HAVE CHANGED OUR POLICY FOR THIS ISSUE ONLY.  Our
  policy for this issue is that we will review any product that someone
  tells us might possibly be developed at any time in the future.  After
  this issue, our policy will revert to what it was prior to this issue
  until such time that Microsoft begins to again consider their next
  edition of software and begins another high-visibility promotion geared
  to discourage users from looking at the competition.

  We put the wonderful Windows 4.0 operating system through our
  grueling bench benchmark program which was magnanimously donated to PC
  Labs  by Microsoft Corporation.  Our test bed was the standard
  by platform used most PC users--a Cray Supercomputer with 3
  Gigabytes of RAM and a  $9000 Windows graphics accelerator card with
  512 Megabytes of SRAM.   Our testing was made more difficult by the
  fact that no actual code was available at the time of the procedure.
  We did have available, however, a screen shot of the stupendous Windows
  4.0 which we put through its paces.  Our staff was speechless over how
  pretty the screen shot was. We also had the benefit of the assistance
  of 12 Microsoft employees who provided invaluable input, and also took
  us to lunch as well as provide us all with free copies of MicroSoft
  Office.

  The tremendous Windows 4.0 was a dream to install.  We didn't even have
  to open the box!  All of our applications were immediately migrated into
  the new OS,  except the OS/2 applications.  They mysteriously
  disappeared.  We were told  that this is a bug in the way that OS/2 apps
  are written and that this was  IBM's problem. The screen shot scored a
  respectable .000001 Winmarks on our testing platform. Microsoft
  officials assure us that performance of the actual code promises to be
  even better.  The only compatibility problem arose when OS/2 for Windows
  stubbornly refused to load the screen shot.
  Microsoft officials advise us that this was also IBM's problem.

  Microsoft officials told us that 4 Megabytes of RAM minimum would
  be needed in  the release version. However, they also said that they
  would recommend 32 Megabytes for typical usage.  Microsoft
  officials said, and we agree, that all serious PC users will have 32
  Megabytes of RAM on their systems by the time Win 4.0 is
  released. Windows 4.0 is too sophisticated an OS for those that refuse
  to keep up.

  We were at first concerned with the reports of the apparent absence of
  32-bit  code contained in Windows 4.0.  However, the Microsoft officials
  soon set us  straight.  Due to Microsoft still having the patent pending
  for the new technology, MS officials couldn't tell us how it worked, but
  told us of a new Microsoft compression technology. It turns out that all
  of the apparent 16-bit code present in Win 4.0 is actually 32-bit bit
  code that has been compressed by Microsoft to look like it is only 16
  bits.  Microsoft officials say that this is the wave of the future in
  32-bit computing.

  In summary, we can state without any fear of being accused of
  hyperbole that  the most excellent Windows 4.0 is the greatest
  technological breakthrough since the discovery of fire and the
  invention of the wheel (neither of which,  unfortunately, is patented
  by Microsoft..... yet).  The God-like Windows 4.0  ranks right up there
  with the other accomplishments of Microsoft, such as the  graphical user
  interface,the mouse, memory management and on-the-fly disk compression.
  It is at this point that we should state PC Magazine's new policy
  with  regard  to software patents, viz., We feel strongly that any
  software  patent not held  by Microsoft is void and bad for the
  industry.

  While we usually don't give awards to products that are not even in
  Alpha  release, we feel that we have no choice but to award our
  prestigious ZIFF-DAVIS Editor's Choice to the awesome Microsoft Windows
  4.0.  And even though it is only April, we have also given it our
  ZIFF-DAVIS Year-End Technical Excellence Award in ALL categories for
  the years 1994 through 1999. We expect an even better version of
  Windows in the year 2000. So, what are you waiting for?

  *Note: All words (except "fire" and "wheel") and all alphanumeric
  characters in this article are registered trademarks of Microsoft
  Corporation.


Categories for this item: Microsoft, Computers

netjeff.com -> Humor collection -> The Amazing Windows 4.0