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Consumer Reports Report on Girlfriends
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It has been almost 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends
(CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, features have been
introduced, and the market has changed substantially. Clearly, another
report was long overdue.
Identifying Your Needs
----------------------
As with any major purchase, before obtaining a girlfriend you
should ask yourself exactly why you need one. Do you want an
intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just
lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the
first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.
The potential girlfriends you see in most showrooms tend to be
loaded with the usual flashy accessories -- large breasts, long
legs, nice butts, etc. However, there is also a wide variety of
accessories designed to appeal to fringe markets. For example, some
models come pre-equipped with pets and/or children; others can run
10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. You should make a list of
accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others
(such as a large bosom) must be factory-installed.
Determine Your Budget
---------------------
The second question, of course, is what sort of girlfriend you can
afford. The answer is largely determined by your physical and
personal characteristics. If you are good-looking and have a
commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the
resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if
you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are
more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering
your selection.
Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be
financed, CR does not recommend this practice due to inflating
expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase*
with time.
Used vs. New?
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A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get
a new or used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly
speaking, be determined by your age:
Your age Used or New
-------- -----------
13-18 years New
19-30 years Lightly used
31-45 years Extensively used
45+ New***
***Only if income exceeds $250,000/year.
Otherwise, "Divorced, with kids."
New girlfriends offer the advantage of having no previous bad
experiences to project upon you. The disadvantage is that they will
rarely be old enough to open a checking account. Used girlfriends,
on the other hand, tend to be steady, reliable performers, with the
initial problems worked out. CR does advise that you use caution
when choosing models that have significantly higher than average
mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). This may be an indication that the girlfriend
was a professional.
CR's Methodology
-----------------
For our purposes, girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of
10 test engineers, selected to typify the average male population.
All tests were performed at CR's specially constructed facility,
which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number
of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven
tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following
criteria:
intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
--------
Girlfriends are categorized by similarity. Within each category,
variation is not statistically significant.
Category Comments
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Goddess This is the woman of your dreams. She comes
equipped with all of the options you want and
none of the ones you don't. She can argue
subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff
game of racquetball, understand what you mean
even if you don't say it, and break a bed
with her enthusiasm. No mental or physical
hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is
not actually available.
Goddess- This model is similar to the Goddess, but comes
in-law with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic
ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic
father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to
generate grey hairs.
Ms. Right The best all-around choice for most girlfriend
situations. Has most of the characteristics
of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong
size or hair color. Other than that, an
excellent long-term investment. Availability is
extremely limited but can occasionally be found
with luck.
Babe This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all
the options. Unfortunately this model lacks
cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, suitable
for a parade or for impressing your friends, but
not for your long-term girlfriend needs.
Friend The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind
but tends to be aesthetically lacking.
Availability is poor to fair depending on
quality.
Yeah, Her The Chevy Nova of girlfriends. Widely available,
but useful only in a pinch, if no others are
available. Tends to be spiteful or
unreliable, with a dull finish.
Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!
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