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Borg vs Windows

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
        finding a weakness in the Borg?  And Mr. Data, have you been
        able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
        through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
        technology."

Geordi presses a  key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled:
        "What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer:
        "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason
        called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside
        their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources
        at an unstoppable rate."

Picard:
        "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
        processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data:   "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
        version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
        increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be
        able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
        ability will be taken over and none will be available for their
        normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
        geometric shape' idea."

... 15 Minutes Later ...

Data:   "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
        command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
        resources.  We however have not received any confirmation of the
        expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
        capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
        'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
        something we missed."

Data:   "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
        Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
        sending in their registration cards.

Riker:  "Captain we have no choice.  Requesting permission to begin emergency
        escape sequence 3F ..."

Geordi, excited:
        "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly
        dropped to 0%!"

Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data:   "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
        named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their
        functionality."

... Two Hours Pass ...

Riker:  "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
        for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
        successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep
        space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from
        something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'.

Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"

Data:   "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
        time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data:   "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!"

Over the speakers:
        "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.
        WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
        SECTOR.  SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE.  YOU
        HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Data:   "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
        released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

Riker:  "Good God captain!  Those are humans floating straight toward
        the Borg ship with no life support suits!  How can they
        survive deep space?!"

Data:   "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
        closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
        recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather
        briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"

Riker and Picard together horrified:
        "Lawyers!!"

Geordi: "It can't be.  All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
        into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data:   "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker:  "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
        pieces of paper."

Data:   "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' --
        it often proves fatal."

Riker:  "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors.  I can't stand to watch, not even the
        Borg deserve that."

Categories for this item: Star Trek, Microsoft, Computers, Science Fiction

netjeff.com -> Humor collection -> Borg vs Windows