netjeff.com Humor collection The World According to Student Bloopers

The following was compiled by Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School:

                  THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS


              One of the fringe benefits of being an English or
         History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a
         student blooper in an essay.  I have pasted together the
         following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine
         student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
         States, from eighth grade through college level.  Read
         carefully, and you will learn a lot.


              The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.
         They lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot.  The
         climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to
         live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
         cultivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids
         in the shape of a huge triangular cube.  The Pramids are a
         range of mountains between France and Spain.


              The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the
         first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were
         created from an apple tree.  One of their children, Cain,
         once asked, "Am I my brother's son?"  God asked Abraham to
         sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Isaac,
         stole his brother's birth mark.  Jacob was a patriarch who
         brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs but they did not
         take to it.  One of Jacob's sons, Joseph gave refuse to the
         Israelites.


              Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without
         straw.  Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made
         unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
         ingredients.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the
         liar.  He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who
         lived in Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had
         500 wives and 500 porcupines.


              Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history.  The
         Greeks invented three kinds of columns. . .Corinthian,
         Doric, and Ironic.  They also had myths.  A myth is a
         feminine moth.  One myth says that the mother of Achilles
         dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.
         Achilles appears in the Illiad, by Homer.  Homer also wrote
         The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
         Ulysses endured on his journey.  Actually, Homer was not
         written by Homer, but by another man of that name.


              Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
         giving people advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from
         an overdose of wedlock.


              In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
         the biscuits and threw the java.  The reward to the victor
         was a coral wreath.  The government of Athens was democratic
         because people took the law into their own hands.  There
         were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that
         they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
         doing.  When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were
         outnumbered because the Persians had more men.


              Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks.  History
         calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place
         for very long.  At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics
         in their hair.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
         battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March murdered him
         because they thought he was going to be made king.  Nero was
         a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by
         playing the fiddle to them.


              Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the
         Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold
         musterded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.  Joan of
         Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black
         Death grew boobs on their necks.  Finally, Magna Carta
         provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the
         same offense.


              In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.
         The greatest writer of the times was Chaucer, who wrote many
         poems and verses and also wrote literature.  Another tale
         tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
         while standing on his son's head.


              The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals
         felt the value of their human being.  Martin Luther was
         nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
         indulgences.  He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
         by a bull.  It was the painter, Donatello's interest in the
         female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.  It
         was an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Guttenberg
         invented the Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
         figure because he invented cigarettes.  Another important
         invention was the circulation of blood.  Sir Francis Drake
         circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper.


              The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry
         VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his
         knee.  Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen."  As a queen
         she was a success.  When Elizabeth exposed herself before
         her troops they all shouted "hurrah."  Then her navy went
         out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.


              The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
         Shakespear.  Shakespear never made much money and is famous
         only because of his plays.  He lived at Windsor with his
         merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors.  In
         one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
         situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.  In
         another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the
         King by attacking his manhood.  Romeo and Juliet are an
         example of a heroic couplet.  Writing at the same time as
         Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.  He wrote Donkey Hote.  The
         next great author was John Milton.  Milton wrote Paradise
         Lost.  Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.


              During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher
         Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while
         cursing about the Atlantic.  His ships were the Nina, the
         Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later the Pilgrims crossed the
         Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress.  When they
         landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians,
         who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.
         The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back.  Many of
         the Indian heroes were killed along with their capooses,
         which proved very fatal to them.  The winter of 1620 was a
         hard one for the settlers.  Many people died and many babies
         were born.  Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.


              One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the
         English put tacks in their tea.  Also, the colonists would
         send their parcels through the post without stamps.  During
         the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls
         over stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks
         crowing.  Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer
         had to pay for taxis.


              Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
         Contented Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
         Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of
         Independence.  Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
         clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He
         invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared
         "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died
         in 1790 and is still dead.


              George Washington married Marth Curtis and in due time
         became the Father of Our Country.  The Constitution of the
         United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
         Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
         bare arms.


              Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
         Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
         cabin which he built with his own hands.  When Lincoln was
         President, he wore only a tall silk hat.  He said, "In onion
         there is strength."  Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg
         Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the
         back of an envelope.  He also freed the slaves by signing
         the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
         gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.  But the Clu Clux Clan
         would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent
         victims.  It claimed it represented law and odor.  On the
         night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the theater and got
         shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
         show.  The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
         supposingly insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career.


              Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
         time.  Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book
         called Candy.  Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton.  It is
         chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are
         falling off the trees.


              Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so
         was Handel.  Handel was half German, half Italian, and half
         English.  He was very large.  Bach died from 1750 to the
         present.  Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He
         was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the
         forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven
         expired in 1827 and later died for this.


              France was in a very serious state.  The French
         Revolution was accomplished before it happened.  The
         Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution,
         and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the Napoleonic Wars
         the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.
         Then the Spanish Gorillas came down from the hills and
         nipped at Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill with
         bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.  He
         wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was
         a baroness, she couldn't bear children.


              The sun never set on the British Empire because the
         British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
         Queen Victoria was the longest queen.  She sat on a thorn
         for 63 years.  Her reclining years and finally the end of
         her life were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death
         was the final event which ended her reign.


              The nineteenth century was a time of many great
         inventions and thoughts.  The invention of the steamboat
         caused a network of rivers to spring up.  Cyrus McCormick
         invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a
         hundred men.  Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy.
         Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin
         was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
         Madman Curie discovered radium.  And Karl Marx became one
         of the Marx brothers.


              The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
         Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of
         human history.

netjeff.com Humor collection The World According to Student Bloopers