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The World According to Student Bloopers
The following was compiled by Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School:
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or
History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a
student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the
following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine
student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
States, from eighth grade through college level. Read
carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.
They lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot. The
climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to
live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids
in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a
range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the
first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were
created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain,
once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to
sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac,
stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who
brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs but they did not
take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph gave refuse to the
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without
straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the
liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who
lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had
500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The
Greeks invented three kinds of columns. . .Corinthian,
Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a
feminine moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles
dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.
Achilles appears in the Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote
The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from
an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor
was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic
because people took the law into their own hands. There
were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that
they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were
outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History
calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place
for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics
in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him
because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was
a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the
Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold
musterded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of
Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black
Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta
provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.
The greatest writer of the times was Chaucer, who wrote many
poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale
tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals
felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was
nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull. It was the painter, Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It
was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg
invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake
circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry
VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his
knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen
she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before
her troops they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went
out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous
only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his
merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In
one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In
another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the
King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as
Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The
next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher
Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while
cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the
Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the
Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians,
who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.
The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of
the Indian heroes were killed along with their capooses,
which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a
hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies
were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the
English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would
send their parcels through the post without stamps. During
the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls
over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks
crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer
had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of
Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He
invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared
"A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died
in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Marth Curtis and in due time
became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the
United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was
President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion
there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg
Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the
back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing
the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clu Clux Clan
would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent
victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the
night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book
called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is
chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are
falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so
was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half
English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the
present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French
Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The
Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution,
and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars
the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.
Then the Spanish Gorillas came down from the hills and
nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with
bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He
wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was
a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the
British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn
for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of
her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death
was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great
inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat
caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick
invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a
hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin
was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one
of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of