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The GOODTIMES virus mutates
(For those not familiar, a myth has been circulating for years that
a virus named GOODTIMES can infect your machine simply by opening
an email message. This is in fact impossible, but that has not
stood in the way of well meaning Netizens forwarding warning
The latest breaking news on the GOODTIMES virus:
It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very dangerous
after all. Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only
that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your
computer. If you are at work, it will download porn to your hard
drive and the hard drives of all your co-workers.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness
setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize
the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on
your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch
any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It
will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your
beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company
comes over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of
your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will
give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar
in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating
your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and
hotel room to your Discover card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she
is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond
the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't
find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous
messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice. It is
insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to
behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the
toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamines in
your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while
it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
For real information about the Good Times "virus" see