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HOW MANY MORE WILL HE MURDER
BEFORE WE STOP THIS MADMAN?
January 27, 1999
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - By now most everyone in America, if not the
entire world, has seen the document which has come to be known as
the "Clinton Body Count." This is a frightening list of upwards of
sixty people who have died under mysterious circumstances after
having had some interaction with William Jefferson Clinton.
While an occasional headache or gastrointestinal distress could be
overlooked, there are simply too many people dropping like flies in
the wake of our President, and The Daily Probe refuses to overlook
this murder spree any longer. So we sent our investigative team,
TeamProbe, to find out what is going on across our great country.
To our shock, TeamProbe found a large number of names which need to
be added to the infamous list, which we detail below. America, we
cannot allow this to continue! Write your local politicians and
demand that we throw this sexually-deviant, godless, immoral, bad
role model, spineless, marijuana-loving, saxophone-playing hillbilly
in the slammer where he belongs!! Even if he *is* a better
president than most of his predecessors.
Here are the additions to the "Clinton Body Count":
* Betty Lou Furbish, Nashville, TN -- This 6 year-old died suddenly
of an earache after refusing to listen to a story read by then-
Governor Clinton back in 1989.
* Billy Wayne Coe, Stafford, TX -- Died of mysterious causes after
ingesting turpentine. Shook Clinton's hand at a rally in 1991.
* Ralph Compton, Paris, TX -- Dallas businessman who died of
complications resulting from an ingrown toenail after defeating
the President in a game of golf in 1994.
* Calvin Jones, Malibu CA -- Teenager who plummeted 230 feet over
the side of a cliff after his skateboard lost a wheel on the same
road the President's motorcade had traveled just a day earlier.
* Miriam Wood, Battle Creek, MI -- Tourist sucked into the grave of
Alexander Hamilton when Hamilton's corpse first began to spin out
of control.
* John Doe #1 -- Unidentified homeless man found along an Arkansas
roadway. In his pocket was found a single dollar bill with
Robert Rubin's signature on it. Rubin is Clinton's Secretary of
the Treasury.
* Melissa Bleary, Phoenix, AZ -- Crushed by a glacier a mere three
years after calling Hillary Clinton's health plan "hog wash."
* Ida Mae Jackson, Little Rock, AR -- The coroner rules that this
maid of a local Best Western Motel died of heat stroke after her
body was found stuffed into an industrial dryer in May of 1990.
Rumor has it that she bragged about having a towel with Governor
Clinton's "personal seal" on it.
* Gary Lee Hagar, Fayetteville, AR -- Disappeared and was never
heard from again after the seat in an outhouse he was using gave
way in January of 1992. The outdoor toilet in question was on
the grounds of the Arkansas Governor's mansion.
* Linda Satsuma, Washington, DC -- Died of acute revulsion after
she inhaled an entire cup of hot coffee into her lungs in April,
1993. The incident occurred as the President jogged past her
with nothing supporting his genitalia under his shorts.
* Kelly Roxanne May and Leanne Barrett, Jonesboro, AK -- These
roommates long suspected of having trysts with Governor Clinton
perished under suspicious circumstances after a tornado picked up
their trailer and flung it half a mile in 1990. What the
coroner's report fails to mention is that this occurred a full
two days BEFORE the beginning of tornado season.
* Max Schraeder, Knoxville, TN -- Clinton impersonator who choked
to death on a Big Mac at a McDonald's in Greensboro, NC, in 1995
-- just as he was doing a bit about Mr. Clinton's libido.
* Leia Walker, Chevy Chase, MD -- Died from ingesting a lysteria
bacteria contaminated hot dog. Beat out Chelsea Clinton for
a ballet solo in 1993.
* Getrude Waters, Omaha, NE -- Died of congestive heart failure at
the age of 108. Coroner inexplicably ruled she died of "natural
causes." Voted for George Bush in 1992.
* Peter Frank, Hamburg, Germany -- Died January 21, 1918 from
influenza. Frank's brother, Fritz Frank, would go on to become
a prominent German politician, and a chief supporter of the
Clinton administration.
* Simon Rabinovitch, New York, NY -- Died in a car accident June,
1992, after leaving taping of Arsenio Hall show on which
candidate Clinton entertained the crowd with his "saxophone."
Suspicisouly, the autopsy NEVER CHECKED whether any poison gas
dispersed from Clinton's saxophone might have been the cause of
Rabinovitch's "accident."
* Anwar Sin Gudfur, Katmandu, Nepal -- Died from injuries received
from runaway ox cart on January 17, 1998, the day of Clinton's
deposition testimony in the Paula Jones trial.
* Eddie Hazel, Paterson, NJ -- Died December 23, 1992, of complic-
ations arising from liver failure. Lead guitarist, arguably main
creative force in both of Clinton's well-known funk bands,
Parliament and Funkadelic.
* Leo Boecker, Fredrick, MI -- Died of meningitis in August, 1996.
Four years earlier, he made the unfortunate mistake of laughing
at a Clinton joke at a friend's house.
* Hester Windicott, Washington, DC -- Died from a mysterious, in-
explicable skin rash and rattling cough. In 1997, she flipped
the bird to the Presidential motorcade when she and her shopping
cart were held up for fifteen minutes on 17th St.
* Louis McKenzie, San Jose, CA -- Died of "self-inflicted" gunshot
wound from a bazooka. The lifelong NRA member was known by
friends and family members to be critical of Clinton's gun
control efforts.
* Bowser, East Brunswick, NJ -- Golden retriever hit by a mail
truck in September, 1998, after having growled at his master's
TV during a broadcast of Clinton's grand jury testimony.
* Marcia Lewellyn, Tulsa, OK -- Died of an allergic reaction to
polyester. Had never met Clinton, but was wearing a blue dress
from The Gap at the time of her death.
* James B. Hardison, Tampa, FL -- Died of Sudden Infant Death
Syndrome at age 3 months in July, 1998. Father had publicly
expressed doubts as to whether Clinton was innocent of perjury
charges.
* Louis Hampton, San Diego, CA -- Self-styled paparazzo who once
attempted to photograph Clinton while jogging. Died in hospital
of complications after being knocked down and trampled by several
secret service men.
* Edward L. Paulson, Kansas City, MO -- Former White House janitor
during the Bush administration and first few months of the
Clinton administration. Claimed Vice President Gore took away
his favorite mop, insisting he use a cheaper one. Died in his
home of a broken heart in April, 1993.
* Nearly the entire population of Slant Lick, TN, pop. 848, took
part in a mass suicide using doctored McDonald's shakes just
a week ago. The only survivor, a mayor's aide named Marlin
Batson, said, "During the State Of The Union Address, when he
mouthed, 'I Love You' to Hilary, it just pushed us over the
edge. We had to end the pain."
* John F. Kennedy, Dallas, TX -- Met Bill Clinton at White House
reception in spring of 1963. Assassinated after announcing his
ambition to be the last two-term Democratic President of the 20th
century. At first there doesn't seem to be a connection, but JFK
was a president JUST LIKE Bill Clinton. He was linked to sexual
indiscretions JUST LIKE Bill Clinton. And the most damning piece
of evidence: close examination of pictures taken of the "grassy
knoll" in Dallas' Dealy Plaza on the day of JFK's assassination,
using an advanced scanning electron microscope, reveals the shape
of a young Bill Clinton "interviewing an intern" behind a bush.
* Nicole Brown Simpson & Ron Goldman, Brentwood, CA -- Two Clinton
supporters mysteriously died on Sunday, June 12th, 1994, exactly
327 days after Vince Foster was murdered. Despite repeated calls
from respected African-American community activist O.J. Simpson
for a nationwide search for the "real killers," Clinton crony
Janet Reno still refuses to appoint an independent counsel.
* Arsenio Hall's career, Hollywood, CA -- Died 1992 after an
appearance by then-candidate Clinton.
* Bill Maher, Hollywood, CA -- Host of the show, "Politically
Incorrect," Maher began to appear increasingly cadaverous during
the last few months of the show, and was finally revealed to be
an animatronic device provided by ABC partner Disney, Inc. To
this day, nobody knows what became of the real Maher, but it is
believed that he died as a result of writing numerous jokes about
Clinton and the impeachment proceedings.
* Paul McCartney, Liverpool, UK -- Member of pop band "The Beatles."
Died and replaced with vat-grown clone after he discovered
Clinton hiding from the Draft in England in 1967. If you play
the inner track of The Beatles' "White Album" backwards twice,
you can clearly hear the words, "Clinton buried Paul."
* Kenny McCormick, South Park, IN -- Oh my God! He killed Kenny!
Contributing reporters: Brian Jones, Tristan Fabriani, Dave Henry,
Davejames, Jeff Ammons, Jonathan Colan, Zach Garland, Brian Berry,
Jennifer Bieneman, Kermit Woodall, Lloyd Jacobson, Michelle Burke,
Alan Smithee, Mitch Patterson, Patrick Douglas Crispen, Perry
Friedman, Josh Robertson and Chris White.
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