netjeff.com Humor collection Dear Bank Manager

Letter received by a bank recently and printed in the New York 
Times... 
 
Dear Bank Manager, 
 
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with 
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my 
calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between 
his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of 
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the 
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement 
which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. 
 
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of 
opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way 
of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My 
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has 
caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me 
on the path of fiscal righteousness. 
 
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant 
incidents for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking 
as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your 
very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you 
will be excited and proud to hear it. 
 
To this end, please be advised about the following changes: 
First, I have noticed that, whereas I personally attend to 
your phone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I 
am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, 
faceless entity which your bank has become. 
 
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh- 
-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, 
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will 
arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and 
confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must 
nominate. 
 
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act 
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find 
attached an Application Contact Status which I require your 
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, 
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank 
knows about me, there is no alternative. 
 
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be 
countersigned by a Justice of the Peace and that the mandatory 
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and 
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. 
 
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which 
he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot 
be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the 
number of button presses required to access my account balance on 
your phone bank service. 
 
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me 
level the playing field even further by introducing you to my 
new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. 
 
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will 
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an 
automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be 
guided thorough an extensive set of menus: 
 
1. To make an appointment to see me 
2. To query a missing repayment 
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry 
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; 
   Extension of living room to be communicated at the time 
   time the call is received; 
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. 
   Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is 
   received; 
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to 
   nature. 
   Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is 
   received. 
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home. 
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message, a password 
   to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated 
   at a later date to the contact. 
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1-8. 
 
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my 
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a 
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month 
I've chosen a refrain from "The Best Of Woody Guthrie": 
 
 "Oh, the banks are made of marble 
 With a guard at every door 
 And the vaults are filled with silver 
 That the miners sweated for" 

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably 
know it off by heart. 
 
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As 
your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for 
greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you 
have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your 
kindness by passing some costs back. 
 
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send 
me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per A4 page. Inquiries 
from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of 
my time spent in response. 
 
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the 
penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you. 
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody 
Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to 
keep your inquiries brief and to the point. 
 
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an 
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. 
 
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

netjeff.com Humor collection Dear Bank Manager