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Scooby-Doobie-Doo, where are you?

We need some help from you now...

Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early
childhood, right? But something you may not remember is what the show
wasreally all about.  As I've gotten older, it has become more clear
to me what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing
as they transversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in the
Mystery Machine.

What we remember:

Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in
their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort--and in the
process meet all kinds of interesting people.

The truth:

Four high school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the
country in their psychodelic love machine, earning their way by
selling drugs. Oh, and they occassionally take some old guys mask off
to solve a mystery.

It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the
evidence...

Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the
current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but
Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you
think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and
swallow it whole.

And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke
joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact
Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a
Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do
whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry
all the time.

The other characters do not activelyy take part in the stoner-fest
that shaggy and scooby do, but they do condone  the selling of it
because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the
world--they drove to China once). These other characters do have their
own peculiarities however...

Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go 'solve
the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two are
really doing--they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine.
Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping
uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that
remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid
scarf around his neck.

And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the cast, was of
course, a lesbian.  But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she
was also into beastiality.  Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from?
Scappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect English, was obviously a
product of Velma and Scooby.

So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world,
slangin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and having sex
with their dog, while looking for the perfect 'hit'.

If we had only known these things when we watched this cartoon as
children...

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netjeff.com -> Humor collection -> Scooby-Doobie-Doo, where are you?