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A Horror Movie Character's Survival Guide
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When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see
if it's really dead.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once
a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who
went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had
inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your
house move away immediately.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than
their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in
the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them,
so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave,
tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out
that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your
life.*
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
Do not take *anything* from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason.
Take the hint and stay away.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know
what you are doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that,
despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely
shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you
recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge
trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane
torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased
companions.
Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience,
since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to
be.
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