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50 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate
eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on
the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If
he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she
is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your
roommate every morning.
3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as
loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes.
Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you
be going somewhere?"
4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait
for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act
surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."
5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick
him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've
been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell
him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as
you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic
Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and
stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain
that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll
have to face the consequences.
9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your
roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you
are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate
you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one
was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell
am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to
bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is
13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day.
Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw
and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few
weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in
the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door.
Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the
plant ever again.
16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown
pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate
eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so,
look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back
and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep
this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in,
immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them
tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your
roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she
won't be here much longer."
21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head
with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful
22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't
know how they got there.
23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room.
Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your
room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your
roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your
roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time
he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your
stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what
the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend
to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl
too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt
yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery.
Start walking backwards again.
30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When
your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a
prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig.
If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that
he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of
32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say,
"Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you
33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.
34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour
every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside
and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait
for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front
of the window again.
35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name
one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the
others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and
eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to
shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain
that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your
roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your
roommate to bring you food and water.
38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with
fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening
the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is
39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain
that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you
40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling
your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry.
It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the
flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so
often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you
are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests,
say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he
knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the
empty side of the room with concern.
45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb
and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few
minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up,
say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights
and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay,
guys, you can come out now."
48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to
take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot
faster with two players."
50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended,
throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up,
explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
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