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Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia

      Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

    Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President
Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn
region of Bosnia.  The deployment, the largest of its kind in American
history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters
A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more
pronounceable.

    "For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and
Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the
world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and
say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in
their incomprehensible words.  The US is proud to lead the crusade in
this noble endeavour."

    The deployment, dubbed "Operation Vowel Storm" by the State
Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of
Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients.  Two C-130
transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will
fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the
letters over the cities.

    Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the
vowels.  "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg
Grzdnjkln, 44, said.  "I have six children and none of them has a name
that is understandable to me or to anyone else.  Mr. Clinton, please
send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."

    Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters,
I could be George Humphries.  This is my dream."

    The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a
foreign country since 1984.  During the summer of that year, the US
shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua,
Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.
The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the
letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

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